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SHIDDUCHIM-----physical attraction

MODERATOR Posted - 04 February 2002 17:30

Physical attraction is an important ingredient in a marriage. It's kind of the cement that holds a relationship together. Yes, 2 ppl with good Midos will probably get along, but merely "getting along" is not enough to hold a marriage together, surely not to make it flourish the way it can.

So no, you shouldn't need the fourth of July, but marrying someone without anything there is looking for trouble. I would advise if after X amount of dates you see that there is not going to ever be any such attraction, break up.

Two things, though: One, often this type of attraction develops as you get to know the guy more. So just because nothing is there on the first date or so, that doesn't mean it wont be there soon.

Second, shidduch dating is sometimes an obstacle to this kind of attraction, since you may be too busy analyzing what the guy says and does - after all, this is about the most important decision of your life - and the desire to be analytical and alert dismantles to a degree the mechanism that causes subjective attraction.

After all, it's hard to be analytical and alert when you're goo-goo over someone. Also, paying attention to the details of what he says and does with the scrutiny of a Certified Public Accountant sometimes distracts you from getting attracted.

So you may mistake being distracted for being unattracted, but they are 2 different things. If this is happening to you, I would suggest that on the next date, you make believe that you are not Shiduch-dating but rather just shmoozing.

Try to forget the importance of noticing if he always says please and thank you just for a little while, and stop looking out the corner of your eye to see if he walks with perfect posture or not. Make believe he's just a guy, as opposed to someone whose every imperfection may impact on your life. And then see if you're attracted to him. If it works, you can go back to being a CPA afterwards.

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