SHIDDUCHIM-----why the need for?

davewabux3 Posted - 27 July 2001 20:43

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I am a religious boy 19 years old and have been reading the past couple of messages. They all say that talking to the opposite sex is asur. Can I just ask where exactly in the Torah it says this?

Also, at what age does the Torah say its mutar?

I know someone who is now 21 and not married. She has gone on 15 dates and 75% of those dates the guy came back and answered "She was to quiet for me". Its not that she’s too quiet.......she has never spoken to a male her entire 21 years!! Now all of a sudden she has to go on a date 1 on 1 with a guy she has never seen b4 in her life--on top of never speaking to any guy!!! She is shy on dates bec she doesn’t know how or what to say to the guy.

Another thing I think is crazy is how can people go out for 5-6 dates and get engaged and then married 3 months later??

Don't you have to get to know the person? Get to love the person? Or do you just find a person you "think" you love--and say we will make this marriage last.

Aren’t you supposed to make sure you know what you’re doing? Make sure she/he is the right one for you--BEFORE you get married?

MODERATOR Posted - 27 July 2001 21:43

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Please see the "actual issur" topic in this forum, where the exact sources for the Torah prohibition of speaking to the opposite sex is explained in detail.

The prohibition applies at all ages, married and single. It prohibits friendly talk with members of the opposite sex, the way two friends talk to each other, as opposed to talking because there is some need to do so.

Your interpretation of why your friend is shy may be true for her, but she is the rare, rare exception, if that is the case. The fact is that those girls who do not speak to boys have absolutely no problem doing so when the time comes, generally.

Hashem put into nature ways to facilitate men and women of marriageable age becoming comfortable talking to each other, even if they had little experience doing so in the past. Even the shy ones open up pretty soon...

As far as the marriages go, it's the opposite. Marital happiness among couples who got married through shiduchim is certainly not less than otherwise. Here's how it works:

There are two parts to being a suitable marriage partner:

(a) the feelings/attraction/emotional part, and

(b) we'll call it the "technical compatibility" part, meaning, you share the same goals, want the same life, have the same values etc.

The problem with NOT getting married through shiduchim is, that when people casually mingle with the opposite sex, they end up developing feelings for people - even falling in love - only to discover that, hey, there is no way they can get married since maybe she wants to live in Israel and have a lot of kids and he wants something totally different.

If part one - the emotional part - comes without an equally compatible part two - the technical part, then, either they will painfully go their separate ways, or they will get married anyway. And that will cause problems.

Just because you fall in love with someone and get along with them great doesn't mean they'll make a good wife. But once that happens, the emotions mess with your head and it's very hard to make a real wise decision.

So the solution is that before you meet a girl you already know that should you two hit it off, it's safe to go further because you are already compatible "on the books." All that's left is the emotional part.

So the reason you can get engaged after maybe 7 or 8 dates on shiduchim but you need much longer by just meeting someone randomly, is because the amount of knowledge that you have to ascertain about the other person is much greater when you are meeting her at random.

But if you got all the info about the person, and vice versa, then by the time you meet, you’re already 20 steps ahead of the game. Much of the work is done. Work that would otherwise have to be ascertained in a much more informal, casual way, and would take much more time.

So a shiduch is a much safer way of getting married. Emotions and hormones can't fool you into thinking that this woman is perfect for you when in fact she's not. You can carry on knowing that should emotions get in the way, well, that's a good sign. If they don't, then you have your answer as well.

PS - The love that engaged or newly married couples experience does not last in that same form forever. Sharing a life with someone develops a much stronger, greater, higher love than that which "jump started" the relationship. It is that kind of love that couples try to develop.

If you start a relationship knowing that you are both going to share life, share the same goal and values, and will blend both your life's missions into one, that plants the seeds for the real, permanent love much better than meeting in the pool hall, plus, it makes even the "basic" kind of love much easier to attain.