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CHIZUK-----nichshal with guys

confused girl Posted - 11 April 2001 15:24

I'm really sorry to write a personal question here, I just don't really know where else to turn.

I very recently just ended this relationship I had with this guy. It still hurts so much because i still like him so much. I only ended it because I guess I know it's the right thing to do deep down (I'm 16)-but it feels anything but the right thing.

He was one of the only people I felt such a strong connection with. We bonded so well and had so much in common. We understood each other so well - better than anyone else I'm sure. I really just don't know what to do with myself now.

I've cried so much in the past couple of days that my eyes are completely purple and puffy. When I spoke to him about it he even started crying - so not only do I miss him so much but I feel like this whole thing is my fault since I allowed it to start and then it was me who abruptly ended it when i realized that it was totally wrong, or admitted it to myself.

He even told me that his life isn't worth living now and he's contemplating suicide. I don't know how serious he was but I would never be able to live with myself if he ever did do anything because of me.

I feel like this whole thing is all my fault, I messed up so badly... as usual... but this time I can't rectify the situation. I thought Hashem forgives - why won't he ever just let me live this one down?

Maybe because I did such horrible things, I deserve to be forever punished? that the way it really works? maybe if that is true I should just not have ended (...if i'm going to be forever punished anyway) what should I do? I'm so depressed about this now, I just don't know what to do with myself.

Please, I would be so appreciative of any advice anyone can offer. Please.

MODERATOR Posted - 11 April 2001 16:18

You're not going to be hurting forever.

But it feels that way.

It feels like the type of pain that you know will never go away. It doesn't get easier and easier with time, it just stays there. There's no physical cut that can heal, no wound that you can go to a doctor and fix. It's just pain inside with no other cause except that you are you and you need something that you dont have - and will never have, anymore.

That's how it feels. But here's the good news: The reason it feels that way is NOT because it is true. Rather, the pain WILL go away. Doctors cannot heal this wound but time will. Eventually - and a lot sooner than you think - this whole thing will be nothing but a memory. You need to understand why, even though your pain will disappear, it feels like it will last forever. Here's the reason:

Boy-girl feelings were designed exclusively for marriage purposes. The reason it is there is in order to assist the married couple in their married lifestyle and to help them with the goals of their marriage. Marriages are, hopefully, supposed to last forever.

So Hashem created these feelings with an ingredient that makes them feel permanent. It gives married couples who feel like that confidence in the permanence of their marriage. It is designed specifically to give them the feeling that their relationship will last forever. This encourages them to commitment and gives them a sense of settling down in family life.

Unfortunately, when single people enter into a relationship that generates these feelings but is not permanent, people get hurt, and very, very confused. They "listen" to their feelings that tell them "this is forever", whether it be the positive feelings during the relationship, or the pain afterwards. Those feelings lie. They betray you just like you betrayed them by conceiving them in a context they were never supposed to be conceived in. So your feelings are more confused than you are.

It's unnatural for these feelings to grow and be nurtured by two single people, yet that's exactly what happened here. In the course of your boyfriend-girlfriend relationship you employed a husband-wife tool, which is designed to help you think that your relationship will last forever. If it doesn't, you end up thinking the pain will.

But it won't. It hurts, I know. And I also know that there's nothing anyone can say or do to make it go away, now. But time will show you that the permanence of the pain was an illusion. It helps if you understand this, at least intellectually, now. It will take away a lot of the confusion, if not the pain, and will eventually help accelerate the healing process.

Hatzlachah Rabbah. You're doing the right thing.

Posted - 19 April 2001 18:15

Moderator - if you strongly believe in not having relationships with a girl then what can you base your opinion and advice on - i thought you dont do any of that.

MODERATOR Posted - 19 April 2001 18:17

Its not my opinion, its the Halachah. And I guess this shows that its just not true, what some people believe that if you keep the Torah you can't understand the "outside world", no?

confused girl Posted - 29 April 2001 20:38

I am so sorry I haven't written back sooner... but thank you all so much for writing such encouraging e-mails... I guess I didn't write back sooner because I was so embarrassed to write back here... I started speaking to the guy again. I couldn't stop myself, and now I never really want to stop.

But, I mean, if it's between me speaking with him (and the relationship being "halachically permissible") and him being with another girl, possibly physical - then what's the issur? I'm not a michshol - and he's going to be speaking with a girl either way prob.. I don't know what to do.

Rivkah, I think I'm feeling 100% of what you're feeling - I know my empathy doesn't mean much... but who knows. I'm feeling so low right now and so humiliated and embarrassed in front of all of you who wrote such amazingly nice and heart-warming posts... I just can't do it though. I'm sorry. i don't know Sorry...

MODERATOR Posted - 29 April 2001 20:47

Don't be depressed just because the Yetzer Horah won this battle. He sometimes does, with everyone in the world, not only you.

But there is a battle here that you can win, today, even if its not the obvious one of talking to this guy.

And thats the battle that the Yetzer Horah is trying to wage to convince you that what you're doing is not wrong. He wants you to figure "well, I wont be nichshal" (famous last words.... besides, just having a social friendship is already a Michshal, even if nothing else happens), and "well, its better than him being physically involved with another girl" (yeah, but that doesn't justify you being involved with him).

Look at whats happening this way:

You are here in this world to fight the Yetzer Horah. You lose this battle, but you're goign to win the war. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe later, you're going to win. Just don't get depressed. Everybody loses battles sometimes. But battles aren't the war. We have to keep our focus on the big picture, and remember that Hashem measured us by how hard we try, not how often we succeed.

So listen, tomorrow's another day. Don't let the Yezter Horah tell you you're like a low life cuz you cant do this right now. You're not, you're just a human being.

And you just gotta keep trying. At least KNOW what it is that you want to do, even if you cant do it today.

KNOW that you want to stop talking to this guy, and know that even though you're not involved in anything physical with him (hopefully you never will be), and that without you he'd be doing worse, nevertheless, it is Hashem's will, Hashem Who put you on this world, that you should NOT be friends with him.

Also know that Hashem expects you to lose battles here and thee, and that Hashem is still on your side; He didn't throw you out of His army. He wants you to win this war.

So keep trying, and know that Hashem is always on your side. The more you try, the more help you will get from Him.

And no matter how often you fall, in the end, you will succeed.

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