CHIZUK-----to a baalas teshuva
Renée Posted - 13 February 2001 21:48
And another thing...I don't always feel that great about Judaism.
Sometimes I regret ever having learned about Judaism. Sometimes I wish I could have just gone on with my life the way it was. But I've already passed the point of no return. Even if I decided today to go back to a secular way of life it wouldn't be the same. I'm stuck here. Not really stuck...'cause even staying where I am is painful. I have to move forward. Always moving forward. And sometimes I don't want to move. I'm not as good as you think I am. Sometimes I don't want to study. Sometimes I don’t want to praise Hashem. Sometimes I'm a cranky sobby brat and I hate religious life.
But then other times I couldn't be happier with the life that He has blessed me with.
But when I'm feeling so low it's hard to remember how good it feels to think about G-d.
And it seems so unfair that there are kids out there who have these wonderful religious parents, and were sent to these great schools and still don't appreciate what they have. I can't imagine how wonderful my life would be if I'd had the opportunities other Jews are given. Why didn't I get the nice frum family? And I hear people complain that their parents and their schools are too strict...what’s up with that? They totally don't deserve all these blessings. Why weren't they the ones born to non-religious parents? Why weren't they stuck in secular schools?
I don't understand why G-d gave them all this wonderful stuff that they don't even appreciate and I got nothing but a library of boring books and the opportunity to be the only religious Jew in a city full of Catholics, Muslims, and "reformed" Jews. (Oh...I guess He also gave me a lovely on-line community for which I am eternally grateful.)
MODERATOR Posted - 13 February 2001 22:12
Renee,
Being great does not mean always wanting to praise Hashem and always wanting to do good. In our religion, being great means always struggling against your Yetzer Horah. The Gemora says that whoever is greater than his friend has a stronger Yetzer Horah than his friend. And the rule is, we don't always beat the Yetzer. Nobody always does. "Shev yipol tzdik v'kam", the posuk says. "Seven times does the Tzadik fall before he rises."
The Chidushei Harim says that this means NOT that the Tzadik rises despite his seven falls, but rather, BECAUSE of his seven falls, he eventually rises.
So you fall sometimes? Seven times? Okay. So do we all, and it's expected. We're like weightlifters, Renee, when we can comfortably lift our weight, that means it's time to add more weight or we don't see progress.
We all have our weights, you and me, and all of us, BT or FFB. And the Yetzer Horah makes it hard for all of us. That's life, and that's progress.
The Yetzer Horah has been custom tailored to each of us. A guy once came to the Chofetz Chaim asking him why when he (the guy) was poor he gave so much Tzedakah but now that he struck it rich, he has become a miser.
The Chofetz Chaim answered that the Satan cares much more to stop wealthy people from giving Tzedakah than he does a poor person, since the rich one can give more. So he fights the rich man more than the poor man -- the Satan's Rule of Energy Conservation, if you will. Therefore, when you were poor, the Yetzer Horah left you alone, relatively, but now that your money can really bother him by having large amounts of Tzedakah given, he fights you more.
So, too, Renee, it seems to you like you could easily survive someone else's Nisyonos. And that's true, since the Yetzer Horah in his Conservation of Energy does not induce within you any resistance to the FFB's Nisyonos. Why should he? It's a waste of his energy. But if you were in their position, you would feel the Yetzer the way they do. Then you'd understand.
And vice versa. They think that you have it easier, and that's because the Yetzer doesn't induce within them resistance to YOUR circumstances.
It's impossible to measure someone else's Yetzer Horah, since it's a feeling that only they have.
So we all have to take our own circumstances and understand that Hashem put us HERE for a reason, wherever that "here" is. And that, whether we can feel it or not, is the best thing for us.
PS -- Is it at all possible for you to go to
Renée Posted - 14 February 2001 18:36
Wow! I never thought about that. That other people have different issues to deal with. I just saw everything I was struggling with and figured if you don't have this problem you don't have any. Very childish and self centered, I know.
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