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TESHUVA-----the process

sh410 Posted - 25 April 2001 22:48

I think I am a good girl. lately I have been working on becoming frummer. I've been trying to stop wearing pants, watching TV, listening to Goyish music. I've been learning more too. Maybe it was too much at once that s why this happened but I don’t know.

I went away on vacation and met this boy. I'm not shomer negiah just because it’s something that I know I’m gonna work on but not yet. Not that I ever expected anything to happen.

So I met this kid and we got really friendly and before long were making out for over 2 hours at a time. I honestly can not count up how many times we snuck away to make out.

I felt badly at first, but it was so much fun that I got over that. And know that it’s over and I'll probably never see him again I have one problem. I know what I did was wrong.

Maybe I don’t know exactly what’s an issur deorita and what’s drabbanun, but I know that it wasn’t what I should be doing.

The problem is I don’t regret it. That really bothers me. And if I had the opportunity I would probably so it all again. What should I do?

MODERATOR Posted - 25 April 2001 22:52

Well, you at least feel bad that you don’t regret it, or recognize that as a problem.

Whether you regret it or not is totally dependent on your free will. “What to do" is you should simply not do it again! There are no magic wands in cases like this - there is only self-control.

You should stay away from situations that can get you into such predicaments. You say "if you had another chance" you’d do it again. So try not to give yourself a chance. Stay as far away from guys as possible, before the Yetzer Horah takes you over.

And keep trying. Regretting that you don’t regret it is the first step, but you must strive to take more steps. The main thing to focus on now is self-control - when opportunities come up, or opportunities to make opportunities fight as much as you can. it will get easier and easier.

And pray to hashem to help you.

sh410 Posted - 29 April 2001 21:18

I am not usually exposed to situation like this so avoiding them shouldn’t be too hard. Lately I've been thinking and I'm starting to realize how stupid I was and that I really would think twice (at least) before doing this again.

I don’t want this to be the kind of person I am-- it’s not the kind of person I am.

Beyond the first step-- self control, like you said what do I need to do? I know teshuva and all but what is the process what specifically do I need to do to do teshuva?

You tell me to daven to hashem, but I constantly feel like I can’t even talk to Him. I mean how can? if I were to do teshuva how do I know it’s accepted? How do I know it’s sincere from my part?

Thank you for your time. Please help. I m so confused.

MODERATOR Posted - 29 April 2001 21:32

Teshuva is a very simple process, which involves 2 parts:

1) You have to regret what you did.

2) You have to resolve not to do it again.

That's it. Now the difference between the two is, sometimes we feel bad that we did something but we know we will do it again. That’s not Teshuva, because you’re missing ingredient #2.

And sometimes we really make up never to do something again, but we still feel good that we did it that one time. That’s also not Teshuva because you’re missing component #1.

But if you sincerely make up never to do it again and you sincerely regret it, your Teshuva is accepted. Period.

As far as talking to Hashem, don't worry. He's waiting for you to talk to Him. He has more faith in you than you do, and He knows the power of the Yetzer Horah that beat you in this one isolated battle. Big deal. Everyone gets beat now and then.

The main thing is that you get up, shake your head, and try again the next day. And to do Teshuva for the past.

And you've done that. Which means you’ve "won the game". And Hashem is waiting for your prayers the way someone waits for the return of a war hero. He may come back with a scar or two, but if he comes back victorious, those scares become badges of honor.

So look at your past retreats as scars of battle, but understand that when you make up not to do this again, and you do Teshuva, you become a War Hero in Hashem's army.

And Hashem is waiting to hear from you.

babygap142 Posted - 28 August 2001 2:43

Hi, I have a very similar problem to you in terms of not being able to regret what I did! I mean I didn’t do anything major but especially with a few guy friends I could have been more careful with Yichud and just what we discussed! And I also would prob do it all over again!

But my advice to you is very simple - forget it - seriously - carry on learning and working on yourself in all directions and the regret will come naturally - it is beginning to for me! Good luck with it! :)

sh410 Posted - 06 November 2001 14:56

I tried to forget about it, really. I even did teshuva. But then, months later the same situation played itself out all over again. And it’s not like I did anything accidentally. I can not deny that I was fully aware of everything I did and it was all my fault for not stopping it. Maybe I tried to stop it, but I wasn’t strong enough in my resolve and this time I fell even further than before.

I am so confused, because I feel like I lied to hashem, I thought my teshuva was sincere but clearly it wasn’t. I feel as though I took advantage of Hashem’s loving system of teshuva! How can I ever try to return to him again? I will just think that I am lying again, that I don’t really mean it. How can hashem ever trust me or forgive me.

And to top it all off I don’t even know if I really regret it to the extent that I won’t do it all over again.

MODERATOR Posted - 06 November 2001 17:47

If your teshuva was sincere the first time, it is not erased even if you went back into the wrong behavior. That’s why, for instance, we have Yom Kippur once a year instead of once a lifetime.

And I agree with babygap. You have to go forward. Focus on the future, and don’t look back.

ptgard2281 Posted - 14 November 2001 16:59

Can you explain that more mod?

What do you mean it's not erased and that it doesn't matter if we started doing bad again?

MODERATOR Posted - 14 November 2001 20:21

If your Teshuva was sincere, including your commitment not to return to the bad behavior, then the Teshuva works. Period. It is never erased. If you afterwards return to the bad behavior, despite your sincere commitment, of course you get a sin, but it does not "reactivate" the old sins that you did Teshuva on.

nikki Posted - 03 January 2002 19:08

What if you know what your doing is wrong but your thinking, im gonna be able to do teshuva for this anyway and it will be as if I never did it. Can you still do teshuva for it?

MODERATOR Posted - 03 January 2002 20:08

If you do that, Hashem will make it very, very hard for you to do Teshuva. it's not worth it.

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