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HALACHA-----how to give tochacha

Ashira LaHashem Posted - 19 January 2001 16:42

In general, what's the best way to go about giving tochacha? I mean are we required to give every single Jew rebuke when we see them doing wrong things? That's like everybody-my whole life could be tochacha!

If it's like certain beliefs and ways of life that frum people have, then the tochaha can be infinite and then no one will accept it-so that’s obviously not the point. No one will like you if you always give tochacha.

MODERATOR Posted - 19 January 2001 16:54

The requirements to give Tochachah are:

1) You have to first assess that there is at least a reasonable possibility of the person listening to you. Sometimes we have Halachic ways of assessing this.

2) You have to give the Tochachah in a totally non-aggressive manner, and never in front of people,

3) You have to make the person understand that the only reason you are giving him the Tochachah is because you care about him, and it is for his good, so that he can get Olam Habah.

Condition 3 is especially important in the sense that if you do it, the person is likely to listen to you. The other 2 are more like things to avoid in order not to blow it. People listen to those who they believe care about them sincerely and mean no other agenda but their own good. Even if they do not change, they will not mind your talking to them. The trick is to really care and really mean it that way.

Ashira LaHashem Posted - 22 January 2001 17:48

What kind of things is one required or encouraged to give tochacha on?

Should one assess the person and decide what's the one most impt thing?

Bc you can't give someone tochacha on...let's say talking to boys...if they don't keep Shabbat!

Or even let's say, the person will think you are doing to glorify your ego-but you're not, is there a point?

MODERATOR Posted - 22 January 2001 19:23

Your cases would boil down to what they would listen to. I assume that someone who totally doesn't keep Shabbos would look at you like you're from outer space if you told them not to talk to boys.

But if, theoretically, that would not be the case, and someone

(a) does not keep shabbos and

(b) talks to boys, and you for whatever reason would only be able to convince them to stay away form the boys but you would not be able to convince them to keep shabbos, you should accomplish what you can.

Ashira LaHashem Posted - 29 January 2001 23:21

Yea but am I really obligated to give tochacha on every little flaw and aveirah?

People will think you are evil, hate you, and think you're nuts! I've tried it! :) I'm not sure it's so right-at least everyone tells me that.

AM I really obligated to tell my friends how wrong they are on issues like ziman..etc.. The basic teenage problems nowadays.

MODERATOR Posted - 06 February 2001 16:44

If they will not listen to you, then you should not give them Tochachah. If all you will

accomplish is they will think you are nuts, that qualifies as them not listening to you.

Shema Koleinu613 Posted - 08 May 2002 17:08

It says in Sefer Ha Chinuch perk 239 that you should give someone tochacha privately and in a nice way, if they don't listen to you, then you should embarrass them in public so that they will do teshuvah.

But, I don't understand this, how can someone be permitted to embarrass someone else (which is also considered loshon hara), and how will that encourage the person to listen to them?

Wouldn't humiliating someone in public be a Chilul Hashem? And also "Hamalbin es peney chaveiro berabim, ayin lahem chelek le'Olam Haba"!

So how can one try to hopefully save someone else's olam haba while giving up their own olam haba; doesn't that sound a little hypocritical?

Many times when one speaks softly to someone they don't listen to them, so how will embarrassing them accomplish anything?

MODERATOR Posted - 13 May 2002 17:35

You only lose your Olam Habah is you humiliate someone wrongly. If the halachah says to do it, you get a Mitzvah.

It functions as a deterrent (the person may be scared not to listen the first time if he knows that he will get humiliated), as well as showing the world that we (the observers) did do our duty in trying to stop the guy, thus preventing the impression that nobody cares.

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