KIRUV-----how to influence people

MODERATOR Posted - 27 August 2005 22:05

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Kiruv means influencing someone else to change their lifestyle. If you want to know how to do that, think for a moment: if someone wanted to influence you to change your lifestyle, what would it take to get you to listen?

They’d have to make sense, for sure, and they’d have to say it in an intelligible and clear manner. As they say, what you say is not more important than how you say it. But there’s a third factor that’s much more important than either of the above.

Who is doing the convincing. The person most likely to succeed to convince you to change your lifestyle would be someone

(a) who loves you dearly,

(b) understands you, your needs, and what would make you happy, and

(c) someone whose motives are totally and completely your own benefit.

So what you say to the person is important, and how you say it may be more important, but even more important than all that is WHO is saying it. If it’s someone you trust, someone you know is talking only for your own benefit, you are likely to seriously consider what they say.

The Rambam says this:

(æ) äøåàä çáéøå ùçèà àå ùäìê áãøê ìà èåáä îöåä ìäçæéøå ìîåèá åìäåãéòå ùäåà çåèà òì òöîå áîòùéå äøòéí ùðàîø äåëç úåëéç àú òîéúê äîåëéç àú çáéøå áéï áãáøéí ùáéðå ìáéðå áéï áãáøéí ùáéðå ìáéï äî÷åí öøéê ìäåëéçå áéðå ìáéï òöîå åéãáø ìå áðçú åáìùåï øëä åéåãéòå ùàéðå àåîø ìå àìà ìèåáúå ìäáéàå ìçéé äòåìí äáà àí ÷éáì îîðå îåèá åàí ìàå éåëéçðå ôòí ùðéä åùìéùéú åëï úîéã çééá àãí ìäåëéçå òã ùéëäå äçåèà åéàîø ìå àéðé ùåîò åëì ùàôùø áéãå ìîçåú åàéðå îåçä äåà ðúôù áòåï àìå ëéåï ùàôùø ìå ìîçåú áäí:

“And he is able to communicate to him that he is criticizing him for no other reason than the other person’s welfare – to bring him to the life in the next world.”

So if you want to be Mekarev someone, you have to make sure you are doing it for their sake, not yours. To be successful, you have to love them and your involvement in their lives has to be because you want them to go to Gan Eden, NOT because:

(a) you want to go to Gan Eden by being mekarev them

(b) you want to feel a sense of accomplishment

(c) you want something interesting and positive to do with your spare time

(d) kiruv is in vogue

Although none of the above motives are evil – on the contrary, they are quite positive – in this context, they are misused - imagine a mother whose motive to have children is to feel a sense of accomplishment or to have something positive to do in her spare time. The idea of getting a Mitzvah, too, is of course a wonderful motive, but the Mitzvah of Ahavas Yisroel is to love the other Jew, not yourself, and if the only reason you are being good to another person is for your own sake, you don’t love him, you love yourself. I explained this idea elsewhere but it got lost in the disaster.

Regarding the mitzvah of shiluach hakein, we are taught, kol ha'omer al kan tzipor yagiu rachamecha, meshaskin oso - you are not allowed to say that Hashem's mitzvah of helping a bird is due to mercy on the bird. Mitzvos are mitzvos and we can’t describe them as acts of mercy.

However, it does not say the same thing regarding mitzvos of chesed and tzedakah - it does not say that whoever says Hashem has mercy on poor people should be quieted.

People are not birds. Birds are what we call a cheftza demitzva - an object with which you perform a mitzvah, like an esrog, a lulav, and tefillin. But people to whom you do chesed are not your "mitzvah objects". They are people, and although we know that Mitzvos are beyond our fathoming, and we cannot even begin to attribute reasons for them, it is a mitzvah to emotionally care and love the person, not to look at him as some mitzvah object. In fact, one of the reasons given for the fact that we do not make a bracha on mitzvos bain adam lechaveiro is because making a bracha would detract from the spirit of the mitzvah --- imagine visiting a choleh and, while hovering over his bed, making a bracha, "boruch ata hashem .... vetzivanu levaker es hacholim"! You’re objectifying the person, and making it Bikur cholim into being about you, when it’s about the choleh.

Same thing in Kiruv. It’s not about you getting a mitzvah, though you do. It’s about caring about someone else and helping them get olam habah.

MODERATOR Posted - 11 September 2005 9:18

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Sorry about the Hebrew there. The Rambam (Deos 6:7) says that the Mitzvah of tochachah has the following conditions:

1) You should correct the person's action privately, not in public

2) You should speak in a calm and soft voice, and

3) You must let him know that you are not correcting him for any reason at all except for his own sake, to let him merit Olam Habah.

neshama Posted - 06 November 2005 18:21

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I thought the RAMBAM brought down a 4th condition- that it should be done POSITIVELY and not NEGATIVELY. Am I wrong?

MODERATOR Posted - 06 November 2005 18:35

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The Rambam makes no such condition.